Buggy things

Are you are afraid of bugs? which needs to lead to
Who is going to deal with which bug?
You may be surprised who is freaked out by what!

These are questions that are never discussed ever until you are both standing on a table shrieking! Who is afraid of what.

Personally I despise lizards they crawl my skin and I can't take to see them or be anywhere near them. Living in the Caribbean there is no getting away from them. So much so one day one little creepy decided to share a towel with me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw it and let out a piercing shriek one that I didn't know I had in me and then while flinging the towel with the offending lizard yell for my husband at the top of my lungs. He rushes in immediately asks me what happened, i tell him while pointing that Lizard there there get rid of it I don't care how ARGHHHH! He takes one look at it and jumps on the bed and attempts to fling his shoe at while standing on the bed about a mile away. So I exaggerate about the distance more like three yards away but still FAR. He got the lizard eventually, though I must say that the ridiculousness of seeing him on the bed did relieve my distress.

Now my husband knew I despised lizards but before the bed dance I didn't even know that he shared the same dislike.

On the other hand cockroaches don't bother me I find them disgusting and dirty so I find the nearest shoe---flip flops work best and I squoosh them. And my husband lets me while he sits patiently reading anything (he hates to read) two rooms away. He despises cockroaches.
So I exterminate the cockroaches and he finds a way to shoo the lizards away. I also handle rats and mice though yuck this really grosses me out.

So yeah this is definitely something that could be written down in the early so you are prepared when the bugs come crawling up your legs.

It must have been easier in the 1960's

Roles were clearer then I think. Or was it in the 50's.
Anyway as I was saying roles were clearer then.
Everyone knew exactly what they should be doing. The man went off to work every day to bring home the bacon and the woman stayed at home and was in charge of the running of the house. She cooked, cleaned, sewed, washed, ironed, baked, made and tended to the babies. His money paid the bills and all expenses and sometimes he was responsible for the garbage, mowing the lawn ( if a neighbourhood boy was not available) and the main disciplining of the children.

Now a days with both people in the workforce the lines are decidedly blurred. It is no longer clear who is responsible for what and who is expecting who to take up what slack. My husband once accused me of trying to domesticate him in the early days of our marriage. I nearly blew a gasket when he said that. All I had done was make a comment about him washing the dishes on the occasion especially after I say cooked dinner after a long day at work. And he shot me that dosey.

But his mindset is still that of men do certain things and women do the rest.

For the most part I take the blame for blowing my expectations on this issue. I watch way too much television and American television at that and I have been exposed to so many well shared relationships where everything is done 50/50 or there is discussion that leads to 60/40 that I knew that this the type of relationship I was entering. ..... Hmmm I just never thought it necessary to talk this through with the husband because I figured he was on the same page.
If it is one thing I have learnt and i hope I can pass it on to as many people possible is that you should never assume anything.

Now how would this conversation have gone and what question would provoke this disclosure?!

Question: When it comes to cooking and cleaning you don't expect me to do it alone do you?
This may work or how about
You are such a great cook how about you handle the cooking and I do the dish-washing and if I cook than you wash the dishes.

This should lead to the type of discussion that I only recently thought to have with my husband.

Still thinking of other questions so will have to add more later.

Kiss me dammit

Most important is keeping your relationship intimate... there should never be a time that you see your significant other and you do not give them a kiss on the lips, cheek, shoulder, forehead, hair or brush your hand on their hand or other bodypart. Because the moment you pass by each other with distance is the moment that distance starts to take over.

I have two couple friends that I have watched enviously over the years interact with each other. The first couple could have just seen each other a few hours ago and yet greet each other affectionately with a kiss and a touch. The other couple are going 19 years of marriage and they still do that I drink from you glass while you drink from my glass thing.

If ever there was something that should be added to your manual as non-negotiable is the need to remain intimate.

It should read like this: when you wake up every morning - hug me
as you leave through the door for the day- kiss me
if you come back for your coffee -kiss me
when you come back from work- greet me then kiss me

I am sure you get the drift.

So many time we allow ourselves to become like ships passing in the corridors and that is wrong. I know I am guilty of this myself getting caught up with some silly argument about nothing and everything and I rather pass without touching but usually the quarrel is not worth the intimacy lost so I have found myself giving a touch, hugging tight and laying on a big one especially when I dont feel like and strangely the argument filters away.

Inspiration

I am about to do a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert – Isaiah 43:19

This dude doesnt know me at all?!

Revisiting birthdays.
Right about the time I started thinking about the Manual I realized that the Big 4-0 was rapidly approaching and instantly I knew I had to start saving because I was going to throw the biggest, most extravagant party that I could afford. Yeah there I am with the need to party again what did I say - balloons , lights, present, cake and definitely ice cream and of course in this case a whole lot of bubbly :) I could just see it friends and family over stuffing the venue of my choosing. No one would excluded. Maybe I'll hire a dj and I have to hire a event planner. Oh boy I really have to start saving. I cant wait to spend some much needed attention on me... oh excitement
I said as much to my husband bubbling over with enthusiasm (which is strange considering how scary 4o is fo r me... I am still trying to adjust to the thirties and now I am leaving it arhhhhh!) and his response was with a scowl on his face- Is that all you can think of a party?! You turning 40 and you want to party. Well pop goes that bubble!
And all that could run through my head was--Gee I need a divorce this guy doesn't know me at all!

Keeping the spark lit

I love romance movies and novels. There is something about that first touch, the first spark that lights the passions of the hero and heroine that makes me weak at the knee and it always makes me think of my relationship if we are going good and also if we are not going that good.
That first look and electric touch is what got me head first eye open into this marriage. Oh the first few weeks/months of newness.. passion and ache. Oh i remember those long drawn out kisses in that little civic that he had. Sigh it is a pity that it can't last forever. Though it does to an extent just a little more muted because life is allowed to take precedence over it. You know life those bills, expenses,work and it's deadlines and stresses, CHILDREN they happen and totally flip your idyllic passionate life.
And before you know it you think that you are not passionate for your significant other anymore. It would be so easy to just move on, but that simple little rule of always finding couple time is very very valuable and necessary. Without it that flame could be allowed to fizzle under the pressure of life demands.

It is important to define though what is date night for both persons. If watching your husband play Playstation while the kids are asleep is not your idea of date night then it should be dealt with and made clear. For years my husband's ideal date night has consisted of popcorn, hot dogs and a movie either in a theater or at home. Me on the other hand was not so excited by it. I think plays, dinner at a fancy slash that nice restaurant. But overtime and four children later hot dogs and movies are right on spot. Though it does leave me feeling a bit nostalgic for a little more, but having never really communicated this to my husband he thinks that we are great with movies.

If I had only stated it once maybe I would get a dinner date every now and again. So here again is something that would go nicely in that manual if we had one.

And the question would go like this for me:

What would you like to do with your spare time?
Read, watch Tv, bake , paint, draw

What do you think is a great date night?
Dinner for two at a fabulous Italian restaurant
Dinner and drinks with friends and then possibly a movie
Party with dancing

Pretty different from movie and a hot dog huh LOL

Like a deer and headlights and singing my own birthday song

Four years ago it hit me that maybe if people had a manual to reference periodically then there would be less fights, misunderstandings and looks of pure fright when an important event is forgotten. And maybe a few relationships would be saved... okay that may be a stretch but it is plausible.

So what happened four years ago to ignite this ephipany?! I turned 36 years... I got up like any other day with my two sweeties, made them breakfast, played a game or two with them they drove me nuttie for a bit and then about mid-day okay 11-ish my husband ambles down the stairs having had a Wonderful sleep-in on my birthday and proceeds to ask whats for breakfast to which I answered sweetly.. okay kiddies join me in singing "Happy birthday to you Mummy...Happy Birthday to you!" If he could spin around any faster he would have given himself a whiplash. The look in his eyes resembled very closely that of a deer stuck in a car headlight. Oh #@#@ he forgot my birthday the expression read!

Giggle luckily for him I know him well and refused to be annoyed on my birthday of all day. Cause he forgets his birthday as well which is two days after mine. To be honest I am not the type of girl that expects you to remember dates or events and being in advertising I believe in giving plenty notice when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries gee I actually got married on Valentines day so that he could never forget that important day.

So there I was on my birthday and not a gift, a card or a smoochy birthday kiss. Sigh feeling a little blue, because i love birthdays.. I expect gifts and balloons, parties, food and friends.. I realized that maybe I never communicated that to my husband not properly. I know that he explicitly doesnt like birthday hoopla and would rather climb a mountain and meditate about the past year and his expectations of the coming year than have a party with lots of fanfare. But did he know whatI expected. Hmmm probably not. I know there are many couples out there that speak and communicate with their significant others and are clear at what is expected of each other, but you know there are just as many who need help. And my husband and I are one of those couples.

Then it hit me if we had it all written down somewhere then it can be looked up and reviewed and maybe I would never have to sing my own birthday song alone again. So I am going to put together a questionnaire/manual/journal that asks the questions that provoke the conversations that hopefully would make life and its events go that much smoother well at least answered.