Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Roles and expectations

Recently I overheard a not yet married friend of mine say that he was becoming more cave-like in his thinking.
He went on further to explain that if it was expected of him to be the hero at the roadside fixing a flat, or the car,
the one that puts out the garbage and mows the lawn
the one that gets the roach and lifts the heavy suitcase or couch
then it can not be wrong of him to expect a clean house and a hot cooked meal when he gets home without any grumbling or grimacing.
My friend Hope says pretty much the same thing in her blog post here.

And neither of them are wrong
as I told my hubbie when discussing the first statement

These expectations need to discussed before hand.

The first fight/disagreement my hubbie and I ever had when we first started dating was his expectation of me cooking for him every day ...I laughed at that because hey we were in college and hey I couldn't cook anything other than Ramen noodles and broccoli or Kraft macaroni and cheese with canned tuna. And why would I cook for him we were not even living together yet. Mind you after this disagreement I knew what he expected.

It shouldn't be the result of an argument that you a find out what your significant other wants and needs.

It should come up in discussion before you move into together. Because suppose you are expecting your girlfriend/wife to cook you that hot meal everyday BUT she works too and can't find the time, OR she can't cook to save her life and even water is not safe with her then what are you going to be pissed with her forever. i hope not.
Or alternatively suppose the male of the couple is the cook and wants to be the main meal provider and you are like hello no way this is my kitchen then what happens then.

Giggle I have encountered both situations.

The non -cooking woman ... my aunt actually learned how to cook after she got married to feed the children ok and her hubbie, but also she keeps a stack of take-out menus for the three days that she doesn't cook.
The hubbie that wanted to handle the cooking well his wife eventually said cool the kitchen is yours on these days.

Anyway I got carried away with the cooking topic
So how will your significant other know that you are not expecting him
to fix your car (there are mechanics for that)
or kill the roach (roaches just do not frighten you)
you need a clean house too but you expect the tasks to be shared 50/50 and cooking... well that is a different story
if you don't speak about it.
I think you may be in for a bumpy ride if you don't.

Well maybe not bumpy but definitely interesting.

What do you think?
Would it have been easier knowing what your role was in the marriage?
The questions to start off could be as simple as:
Can you cook? Do you expect three hot meals a day?
How about take-out?
Do you know the number of the AA guy?


  1. You are really right about the importance of communication. There are so many aspects of a relationship that we think our partner will comply with, but if they don't know the expectations it can be hard to have it our way--and for them to have their way.

    I know that no matter how much we talk about topics I can always expect a surprise or two--but the more we share the less I am surprised by the unexpected, or at the very least the more I am able to understand my partner and her perspectives.

  2. and you are so right the name of your blog by the way


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